Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What Gives?

Last year, at about this time on ABC's All My Children, Dr. Gregory Madden, the world-renowned fertility expert, was still alive, and was discovered to have been operating a tropical-island resort inhabited by his specially selected patients. Yes, it was an island with a population consisting entirely of pregnant women. Unbeknownst to them, these women were producing children for Dr. Madden's waiting list of ideal parents—ideal according to his own twisted standards. This story arc was reminiscent of Aldous Huxley's 1932 novel, Brave New World, only stupid and not well written.

Dixie Martin, former wife of Tad Martin, had been a patient of Dr. Madden's after she had had a car accident somewhere in the Alps. Yes, those Alps. Dr. Madden told Dixie that she would not survive her injuries and that she should put her child up for adoption. Reluctantly, Dixie agreed.

But Dixie survived, and returned to Pine Valley, in search of Dr. Madden, who had, for some reason (plot convenience?), established a practice in Pine Valley. Dr. Madden really gets around. Apparently, he had some sort of international medical license, yet seems to prefer establishing medical practices in Swiss mountain villages and mundane Pennsylvanian suburbs. His preference for Pine Valley was due to his decades-long obsession with its homegrown international superstar (who also prefers living in mundane Pennsylvanian suburbs) Erica Kane.

Through the magic of flashbacks, Erica remembered that Dr. Madden is the same doctor who had performed her landmark abortion in 1973. Of course, last year, it was revealed that Dr. Madden had in fact removed the fetus and implanted it into his own wife, which explained the origins of Josh Madden, son of Erica and Dr. Jeff Martin (Tad's brother and Erica's first husband, who had returned last year to reclaim his extremely annoying 34-year-old baby).

After Dixie had finally located the not-so-clandestine Dr. Madden, she demanded from him the location of her missing daughter. Madden refused to answer due to client confidentiality. Not one to back down, Dixie recruited the assistance of local tough guy and casino kingpin, Zack "Attack" Slater. Eventually, through their combined efforts, Dixie and Zack found their way to Dr. Madden's tropical island resort, off the coast of...New Jersey? Yes, apparently so. And it was inhabited entirely by pregnant women (the tropical island resort, not New Jersey), who, when questioned by Dixie, have nothing but praise for the good doctor.

Before they left the island, Dixie and Zack found a video recording of Erica's abortion, and learned the secret connecting Dr. Madden, Josh, and Erica. Eventually, Tad Martin, who had fathered Dixie's baby, decided he had enough circumstantial evidence to kidnap and torture Dr. Madden. What? Yes, Tad drugged Madden and then buried him alive inside a coffin, in the park where two-thirds of the show's "outdoor" scenes are filmed. But Madden would not give into Tad's demands and, thanks to a rare Pennsylvanian earthquake, Madden died. Oops.

Anyway, my question is this: what the hell happened to the Island of Pregnant Women?

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