A True Story!

Back in the halcyon days of November 1998, my friend Pete found out that America's Sweetheart, Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis, would be performing at the Andover Bar & Grill, a local comedy club of sorts located in, of all places, Andover, Massachusetts.

Soon afterward, Pete and I drove to the club to purchase tickets. We rode in the same car in an attempt to save gas. It worked. My car remained in the driveway, and, as a result, used no gas during the trip. I was not a member of the "Pentucket Regional High School Earth People" for nothing. (That was a real after-school club of which I was a real member.)

As Pete was driving us to the club, I began to wonder what the hell Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis would do on stage. Was stand-up comedy a new venture for him? Would he work blue? Would he even be able to climb onto the stage?

As we entered the lobby, which we did after parking the car--I don't want you to assume that we drove Pete's car into the lobby--we learned from a poster that TV's Skippy from Family Ties would also be performing that same night. What are the chances of one club booking such star power on the same night? This would be a 1980s-TV wet dream.

We bought the tickets without incident, for once, and then we waited, and waited, and waited for that Saturday to come.

That Saturday

We arrived at the club early, along with our friend Christos. Christos even brought along his camera to document our evening.

One thing I noticed, as we took our seats, was the club itself: it was bizarre. The event room looked like the basement of your average urban bingo hall. I was surprised the club owners had sprung for wallpaper (featuring shiny, metallic pineapples). I was expecting wood paneling and maybe a Pong entertainment system.

Showtime

The opening act was an actual stand-up comedian whose name to this day I forget--probably because he blew, but not because he needed the money. It wasn't like that. He blew because he was a terrible comedian. Really. Ugh.

Skippy took the stage without much fanfare, and he was actually sort of okay as a comedian. He was on stage for about an hour and a half, so he earned his money that night. Midway through his act, he had the Skippy Tonight Show: take a guess who his first and only guest was? No. Try again. No. Again. No, goddamn it! It was Emmanuel Lewis!

Emmanuel came on stage, as short as ever, and performed ten minutes of "witty banter" with the Skipster, which included what he'd been up to since the cancellation of Webster.

Answer: Not much. He mentioned being a big recording star in, surprise, Japan. (Christos claimed that the Japanese used Mr. Lewis as a good luck charm.) He also mentioned recently earning a black belt in karate. Yes, indeed. Emmanuel also told some really odd and disturbing jokes about women's breasts. The jokes were disturbing because the jokes weren't funny, and because he still looked and sounded six years old, even though he was pushing thirty. After about ten minutes, he said goodbye and bolted from the stage. That was it. Ten frigging minutes. He didn't even break dance.

Epilogue

After the show, Christos (the Greek) broke into Skippy's dressing room, and got a picture of him shirtless and one of him chasing Christos out of the dressing room. I must scan those for you, if Christos hasn't sold them for ransom.

Years later (two?), we also saw Dustin "Screech" Diamond, performing stand-up at the same club. I know what you're thinking, "WHERE IS THIS FABULOUS CLUB?" Please! You have no need to shout! Well, it was in Andover, Massachusetts, but the club has since closed and is now a comedy-less restaurant. Oh yes, before I forget--Screech was terrible, but this was before he made homemade porno.