Who Killed Terry McDermott?

My spider sense or dandruff shampoo is tingling, notifying me of the presence of yet another whodunit on ABC's All My Children! This time it's "Who Killed Terry McDermott?"

But who is Terry McDermott, and why was he killed? Terry McDermott is the sleazy ex-husband of Annie McDermott, (and the latest possible love interest for Ryan "Whisper-Shout" Lavery). Annie divorced Terry after learning of his penchant for seducing teenagers, and sued for full custody of their daughter, Emma, but lost due to Terry's "impeccable record." (I'm not sure how a serial rapist has an "impeccable record," but then I remember that ABC Daytime has the very worst in law enforcement. The Sweathogs from Welcome Back, Kotter could conduct more competent investigations.) Fearful for Emma's safety, Annie kidnapped Emma and took her on the run, and with help from the slightly cross-eyed Erin Lavery, they eventually arrive in Pine Valley, where nothing bad ever happens. Phew!

Coincidently, Terry is also the man who tried to get it on with Lily Montgomery during her ill-fated trip to New York City. Lily, of course, is the autistic daughter of Pine Valley's astonishingly tan DA, Jackson "Jack" Montgomery, the tenth (or so) husband of Erica Kane. As you may remember, Lily ran away to New York City after Jackson had forbidden her to pursue a relationship with Jonathan Lavery, who, due to an undiagnosed brain tumor, is responsible for several murders, including that of his own brother, Branden Lavery, played by a frozen CHUCK NORRIS. Even after a successful removal of the tumor turns Jonathan into a harmless and annoying simpleton, his past endeavors still cause Jack to error on the side of caution, unlike Erica, who thinks the autistic 18-year-old Lily and formerly homicidal 35-year-old Jonathan make a charming couple. Thankfully, depending on your point of view, Jonathan saved Lily from the shirtless Terry just in time, and Jonathan and Lily made their way back to Pine Valley, somehow. I forgot what happened afterward.

In the not too distant future, Terry located Lily, again, through a "social networking website" called MyFriendsterSpaceTube or something. Lily had posted a profile in an attempt to meet a young man just like her (i.e., mildly retarded and extremely annoying). Terry pretended to be a young lad suffering from Asperger's syndrome (pronounced "ass-burgers" by Lily), an affliction somewhat similar to Lily's autism spectrum disorder, according to the All My Children writing staff, but not really.

Wait just a goddamn minute. Jackson convinced the New York City DA to drop the charges against Annie, and convinced local sheriff Derek Frye (not portrayed by Suzanne Somers). Now my post is even more worthless. Frig.

"You can't eat me! I'm Erica Kane!"

What's really concerning me at the moment is we still don't know who killed world-renowned fertility specialist Dr. Gregory Madden on ABC's All My Children. The primary suspects include the following:

• The beloved Dixie Louise Cooney Chandler Martin Bodine Martin
• The cabalistic (not cannibalistic) casino kingpin, Zack "Attack" Slater
• The Queen of Pine Valley, PA herself, Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahy Chandler Montgomery Marrick Montgomery

But what about the numerous theories floating around the Internets? One theory claims that the good doctor was killed by the combined efforts of the mildly retarded Stuart Chandler and the seemingly undead Myrtle Fargate; another accuses private eye Tad Martin's doppelganger, Ted Orsini. By the way, how does Tad make a living as a private detective? Besides being the worst detective ever, all his clients are members of his immediate family, thanks to Erica, who has been married to everyone in Pine Valley at least once. I believe she even married herself during the 1988 writer's strike.

More Car Talk

I dropped off my car at the dealership yesterday, and inside the dealership there is a "car rental agency," from which you can rent cars while your own car is being "diagnosed" for the tidy some of $95.98. Anyway, I answered the rental agent's questions, such as:

"Are you the only person who will be driving this car?"

Yes. (For some reason, I started to think of the old Saturday Night Live skit, "Toonces the Driving Cat." In fact, my cat resembles Toonces, but my cat cannot drive a car--yet.)

"Will you be crossing state lines?"

It depends on how old she is. Ha-HA! (No, I didn't say that.) Now here's the question that really caught me off guard.

"Do you want the Dodge Magnum? It has a Hemi."

What? You rent Hemis?

For those of you who don't know, a Hemi is a high-performance V8 engine developed by the Chrysler Motor Corporation many years ago. The Hemi was available as an option in many of Chrysler's muscle cars, like the Roadrunner, the Charger, and the Barracuda, and it has recently re-emerged, after a thirty-year (or so) absence. The name Hemi derives from the engine's hemispherical cylinder heads blah, blah, blah. If you're a typical guy, you probably have an erection by now. If you're a typical woman, you probably have stopped reading this blog. Sorry.

I thought about it, and was tempted, but I opted for the basic rental, which was (drum roll, please) a 2006 Chevy Cobalt: a gold, 4-door, 4-cylinder, automatic Chevy Cobalt. Fuck yeah!

For those of you who don't know me (i.e., all of you), I love driving stick; I hate driving automatic. Why? I'm not sure. I learned to drive stick rather late in life, a month before my nineteenth birthday, and I didn't have the easiest time during my apprenticeship under my father; and to make a long story short (too late), my father is very patient with everyone, except members of his immediate family. I could go on and on, but I won't. You're welcome. In summation, I consider learning to drive stick a major personal accomplishment.

Now my car just needs a new radiator. The current one has a crack all along the top. The "fluid" is not pouring or spraying out, but it isn't exactly staying inside the radiator either. This repair will cost almost $600 American. Oh dear.

I promise my next post will be funny.

Today Featuring the Super Robot Daikyuu Maryuu Gaiking (Giant Sky Demon Dragon Gaiking)

Greetings, Earthlings!

I have returned from the Honda dealership with an oil pan filled with fresh, golden petroleum product. I also made an appointment to find out why the CHECK ENGINE light is on, and to replace some doohickeys in the front end. As the kids say, I hope I have enough "bread," to pay for this repair work, "daddy-o."

You should see this particular Honda dealership, as it is oh-so fancy. First, it’s the size of the average Canadian province--I believe Mounties patrol the lot--and contained within its hallowed walls are the following:

• A hotel-like lobby, featuring a large, flat-screen, cable-equipped television and soft, only slightly stained, chairs
• An Internet café
• A real-world café selling various forms of criminally overpriced coffee and pastries

More to come…

I'm keeping the details of this post nebulous to protect the innocent.

Why is my connection to the "Internets" so slow this morning? And where is everyone? The office is very quiet.

This past Sunday morning I sampled over one thousand different kinds of cake, which is a slight exaggeration. I gave myself a headache, thanks to consuming several pounds of highly processed sugar, and as a result, my pancreas leapt out of my body and punched me in the face. I was also concerned that I would soon be co-starring in an infomercial for those diabetic maintenance kits endorsed by Wilfred Brimley (the man who was born 65 years old). What was the name of the 1980s family-friendly (i.e., boring) NBC show he was on?

"Our House." Thanks imdb.com!

In closing, here's a painting of Journey frontman, Steve Perry: