Road House

Here is, courtesy of YouTube, the original trailer for the 1989 classic Road House, starring Patrick Swayze, Sam Elliot, Ben Gazzara, that guy from Emergency! who's not Randolph Mantooth and who also played Locke's father during the third season of Lost, and John Doe, the lead singer and bass player for the seminal LA punk band X. As many have stated, Road House is the greatest bad movie ever made. I cannot think of a worse movie that is also this entertaining. Let me be clear: Road House is terrible, but it is not boring. Enjoy!

Robotic Freddie Mercury! (April 14, 2001)

This is a goofy thing I wrote a few years back for a website. Enjoy. Or not.

Sonicare Personal Model PS-1 Sonic Electric Toothbrush

Pros: Sonicare vibrates the plaque right off your filthy, stinking teeth.

Cons: Sonicare is pricey. Did not blur my vision or induce IBS.

The Bottom Line: It's like having a dentist in your hand, only shorter. And plastic.

Full Review

I must admit that at first I was hesitant about trying the Sonicare toothbrush. I was quite satisfied with my previous toothbrush, a little Bulgarian number called the Stotinki 500.

The Stotinki 500 is a state-of-the-art, cast-iron toothbrush, powered by a 500-cc, OHV, chain-driven Diesel engine. The Stotinki came complete with solid (and shiny) 1-inch copper bristles that, when powered by the Diesel, provided me with brutally clean teeth and a tangy, copper flavor that lasts for weeks. But that's not all the Stotinki provided. Its Diesel engine produced soothing white noise, drowning out earthquakes, screaming children, and nearby explosions.

One of the Stotinki's rare shortcomings was it only came in two colors: army green and battleship gray--that and its high cost of maintenance, as it required monthly oil, coolant, and filter changes; lube jobs; and yearly tune-ups.

One the Stotinki's best features was its Electro-Talkie Unit or ETU for short. As you brush, the ETU gave detailed instructions on how to improve your brushing experience. Unfortunately, the ETU only came with two language settings: Bulgarian and an all-purpose Low German, making the Stotinki sound either confused or really p.o.'ed. So, to further enhance my brushing experience, I ordered the English module featuring the voice of international superstar, William Shatner. But my expectations were utterly deflated, as this proved to be a falsehood: the English module wasn't equipped with the voice of Captain James T. Kirk but a Japanese man who spoke in broken English and declared, "Me Wirrum Shatnel! Blush teet now razy Engrish-speaking pelson or die!" How rude.

After thorough counseling, my dentist, Country-Western superstar Eddie Rabbit, claimed that the Stotinki was harsh on my enamel and gum tissue and affected my ability to speak. That's when he recommended Sonicare.

I quickly drove home, yet still obeyed all posted speed limits, and ordered a Sonicare toothbrush from Amazon.com. Within a few short months, UPS arrived with my toothbrush. The driver was a Siamese twin, and I asked one of the heads, "How long have you and your brother been with UPS?" to which he answered, "We're not related."

Unlike my Diesel-powered Stotinki, I did not need a special license to operate Sonicare. And since Sonicare runs on electricity, there's no danger of asphyxiation, unlike the Stotinki with its noxious Diesel fumes that often killed pets and overnight guests.

Sonicare comes with endorsements from dentally empowered superstars, like the very macho Erik Estrada and octogenarian hard rocker Sammy Hagar. Who can't drive 55? I would not hold these endorsements against Sonicare.

Oh, it cleans teeth really well.

Learn How, You Idiot!

To all of you who dislike my All My Children postings: have no fear, as this entry only contains one short blurb about that particular show. Yesterday, local meathead medical student Jamie Martin informed local skank Arabella "Babe" Carey that he was leaving Pine Valley to join his uncle, Dr. Jake Martin, who has established an AIDS clinic in Africa. First, I thought it was funny that no other location was given other than Africa. No particular country on the continent, just Africa. (Apparently, Jamie will be helping to treat the entire continent. Bully for him.) Upon hearing the news, Babe tearfully told Jamie, "But if you go, you’ll be gone."

Ha-HA! That is awesome. It reminds me of that great line from The Brady Bunch Movie, as delivered by family patriarch, Mike Brady (Gary Cole), "Wherever you go, there you are."

Also occurring yesterday was the arrival of this e-mail:

From: "Robert Allen"
To: ryszard1973@yahoo.com
Subject: See How Morons Make Millions
Date: Wen, 22 Aug 2036 07:48:24 –0400

Trivia: Sunday Nights at Charlie's Kitchen in Harvard Square

Last night, as we tend to do on Sunday nights, we played trivia at Charlie's Kitchen in Harvard Square. Our trivia guy, or moderator for you snobs, is Mike. He's the greatest trivia guy of all time. It even says so on his business cards.

On a side note, just to let you know, I do not have shrine of Mike in my apartment that contains dozens of pictures and personal items. Christos, in his apartment of course, still has his collage of Tom Cruise photos with all the eyes cut out.

The game last night was a rough, tight one. That's sounds filthy, but it's not. Really. We weren't in the lead at any time, but after the final bonus round, our team somehow ended up in second place, and then first, after the winning team, Spider-Pig, admitted that they had more than six people participating, which is a no-no. Our team's name for the evening was "There's Always Room in Jesus' Camaro." Which is true. Our team's name last week was "Kirk Cameron Left Me Behind," and if my eternal salvation were dependent upon the whims of Kirk Cameron, I'd prefer to be left behind. "Show me that smile..." No!

Here is a sampling of other team names we have used:

• Blood Cookie
• Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Car, Trivia Guy!
• Harvard University Plagiarism Society
• Presbyterian Summer Social
• What Would Freddie Mercury Do?
• You Don't Know the History of Psychiatry—I Do!

And here is a sample of names used by opposing teams that I've enjoyed:

• A Big Bag of Sweaty Dicks
• Harry Twatter and the Cuntly Hallows
• Mel Gibstein
• Ninja Please...
• Optimus Prime Rib
• Transvestites, Robots in Disguise
• Bi-Curious George

Is It Time to Go Home Yet?

Previously, I had written a post about my quest to determine the location of Pine Valley in the commonwealth of Pennsylvania—home to the cast of characters on ABC's All My Children—and how the show's repeated scenes of lush tropical beaches, deep virgin forests, endless metropolitan skylines, and an occasional lack of gravity, hadn't been of much help. What makes this situation even more confusing is Erica Kane's wardrobe. No matter the location or occasion, Erica is always wearing some type of sleeveless cocktail dress accompanied by giant pendulous earrings and high heels. For example, she could be in any of the following locations or situations:

• at the beach
• ice fishing in Minnesota
• in a courtroom
• cage fighting in Thailand
• in a deep-sea diving bell
• trapped somewhere in the future
• in a volcano
• wrestling a gorilla
• in surgery (performing or receiving)
• folk dancing in Sweden
• on the moon
• repairing potholes on I-95
• in the Gobi desert
• providing guidance to teens with personal problems
• at King Richard's Renaissance Fair
• washing cars for charity
• on the crapper

Another Item from the Past While I'm Writing Something from the Present

During my senior year of high school, we had a "bomb scare." Yes, someone called into the school, before class, to claim they had placed an explosive device somewhere on the premises. This was back in the fall of 1990, so this prankster was some sort of innovator.

My friend Brett and I both had lockers located downstairs in a dungeon-like hallway. We were in the same homeroom because our surnames both began with the letter "W." Brett and I also had a several classes together, including "Contemporary Affairs." For that class we used Time magazine as our text. One of the things Brett and I enjoying doing, besides reading the articles, was to alter the pictures inside with humorous intent.

One day, Brett somehow acquired a daily calendar entitled Dog a Day. As you can surmise, each day featured a photograph of a dog. In a moment of sheer inspiration, Brett decided to alter the photographs by drawing a penis (and sometimes penises) in the mouth of each dog. Imagine, for example, a picture of a smiling Golden Retriever with a big fat dick in its mouth—as if it were playing fetch—complete with scrotum.

After completing his task, Brett hung (wacka-wacka) his altered calendar inside his locker. Each day he would rip off the previous day's page to expose a new picture of a new dog with a new schlong in its mouth. This went on for weeks without a hitch.

Months later, the day of the bomb threat, the fire department was called in to look for the bomb. The firemen and the vice principal opened every locker in the school during their search, including Brett's. I can only imagine what they thought when in an effort to determine the existence or nonexistence of a bomb they discovered a calendar with pictures of dogs with large floppy cocks hanging out of their mouths. Unfortunately, after we were allowed to return to the building, we discovered that Brett's calendar had been removed. Damn it. We depended on that calendar. How were we supposed to know which day it was?