This is a goofy thing I wrote a few years back for a website. Enjoy. Or not.
Sonicare Personal Model PS-1 Sonic Electric Toothbrush
Pros: Sonicare vibrates the plaque right off your filthy, stinking teeth.
Cons: Sonicare is pricey. Did not blur my vision or induce IBS.
The Bottom Line: It's like having a dentist in your hand, only shorter. And plastic.
Full Review
I must admit that at first I was hesitant about trying the Sonicare toothbrush. I was quite satisfied with my previous toothbrush, a little Bulgarian number called the Stotinki 500.
The Stotinki 500 is a state-of-the-art, cast-iron toothbrush, powered by a 500-cc, OHV, chain-driven Diesel engine. The Stotinki came complete with solid (and shiny) 1-inch copper bristles that, when powered by the Diesel, provided me with brutally clean teeth and a tangy, copper flavor that lasts for weeks. But that's not all the Stotinki provided. Its Diesel engine produced soothing white noise, drowning out earthquakes, screaming children, and nearby explosions.
One of the Stotinki's rare shortcomings was it only came in two colors: army green and battleship gray--that and its high cost of maintenance, as it required monthly oil, coolant, and filter changes; lube jobs; and yearly tune-ups.
One the Stotinki's best features was its Electro-Talkie Unit or ETU for short. As you brush, the ETU gave detailed instructions on how to improve your brushing experience. Unfortunately, the ETU only came with two language settings: Bulgarian and an all-purpose Low German, making the Stotinki sound either confused or really p.o.'ed. So, to further enhance my brushing experience, I ordered the English module featuring the voice of international superstar, William Shatner. But my expectations were utterly deflated, as this proved to be a falsehood: the English module wasn't equipped with the voice of Captain James T. Kirk but a Japanese man who spoke in broken English and declared, "Me Wirrum Shatnel! Blush teet now razy Engrish-speaking pelson or die!" How rude.
After thorough counseling, my dentist, Country-Western superstar Eddie Rabbit, claimed that the Stotinki was harsh on my enamel and gum tissue and affected my ability to speak. That's when he recommended Sonicare.
I quickly drove home, yet still obeyed all posted speed limits, and ordered a Sonicare toothbrush from Amazon.com. Within a few short months, UPS arrived with my toothbrush. The driver was a Siamese twin, and I asked one of the heads, "How long have you and your brother been with UPS?" to which he answered, "We're not related."
Unlike my Diesel-powered Stotinki, I did not need a special license to operate Sonicare. And since Sonicare runs on electricity, there's no danger of asphyxiation, unlike the Stotinki with its noxious Diesel fumes that often killed pets and overnight guests.
Sonicare comes with endorsements from dentally empowered superstars, like the very macho Erik Estrada and octogenarian hard rocker Sammy Hagar. Who can't drive 55? I would not hold these endorsements against Sonicare.
Oh, it cleans teeth really well.
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