Who Killed Terry McDermott?

My spider sense or dandruff shampoo is tingling, notifying me of the presence of yet another whodunit on ABC's All My Children! This time it's "Who Killed Terry McDermott?"

But who is Terry McDermott, and why was he killed? Terry McDermott is the sleazy ex-husband of Annie McDermott, (and the latest possible love interest for Ryan "Whisper-Shout" Lavery). Annie divorced Terry after learning of his penchant for seducing teenagers, and sued for full custody of their daughter, Emma, but lost due to Terry's "impeccable record." (I'm not sure how a serial rapist has an "impeccable record," but then I remember that ABC Daytime has the very worst in law enforcement. The Sweathogs from Welcome Back, Kotter could conduct more competent investigations.) Fearful for Emma's safety, Annie kidnapped Emma and took her on the run, and with help from the slightly cross-eyed Erin Lavery, they eventually arrive in Pine Valley, where nothing bad ever happens. Phew!

Coincidently, Terry is also the man who tried to get it on with Lily Montgomery during her ill-fated trip to New York City. Lily, of course, is the autistic daughter of Pine Valley's astonishingly tan DA, Jackson "Jack" Montgomery, the tenth (or so) husband of Erica Kane. As you may remember, Lily ran away to New York City after Jackson had forbidden her to pursue a relationship with Jonathan Lavery, who, due to an undiagnosed brain tumor, is responsible for several murders, including that of his own brother, Branden Lavery, played by a frozen CHUCK NORRIS. Even after a successful removal of the tumor turns Jonathan into a harmless and annoying simpleton, his past endeavors still cause Jack to error on the side of caution, unlike Erica, who thinks the autistic 18-year-old Lily and formerly homicidal 35-year-old Jonathan make a charming couple. Thankfully, depending on your point of view, Jonathan saved Lily from the shirtless Terry just in time, and Jonathan and Lily made their way back to Pine Valley, somehow. I forgot what happened afterward.

In the not too distant future, Terry located Lily, again, through a "social networking website" called MyFriendsterSpaceTube or something. Lily had posted a profile in an attempt to meet a young man just like her (i.e., mildly retarded and extremely annoying). Terry pretended to be a young lad suffering from Asperger's syndrome (pronounced "ass-burgers" by Lily), an affliction somewhat similar to Lily's autism spectrum disorder, according to the All My Children writing staff, but not really.

Wait just a goddamn minute. Jackson convinced the New York City DA to drop the charges against Annie, and convinced local sheriff Derek Frye (not portrayed by Suzanne Somers). Now my post is even more worthless. Frig.