Fusion Green

Yesterday on All My Children, the women of Fusion presented their new marketing campaign for Fusion Green to a representative from a very important chain of imaginary department stores.

To those who don't know, Fusion is the local cosmetics giant founded by Kendall Hart-Slater, Greenlee Smythe du Pres Lavery, and the deceased Simone Torres, who last year was a victim of the Satin Slayer! What? Yes! The Satin Slayer was a serial killer who targeted the women of Fusion, as brilliantly surmised by local 34-year-old fetus, Dr. Joshua Madden, despite the fact that fellow Slayer victim (the Satin Slayer, not the band) Dixie Cooney Martin had never stepped foot or feet inside the Fusion offices.

Dixie, of course, was killed by a helping of poisoned peanut butter and banana pancakes. (Never had I seen such a disgusting sight on my television before—the pancakes, not Dixie.) In fact, the visually revolting pancakes had more screen time than long-time character Brooke Allison English Cudahy Chandler Martin, especially since Dixie took almost a week to eat the damn things; I thought they were going to receive an on-screen credit and a SAG card.

For some not-so-obvious reason, the Satin Slayer and his serial killings negatively affected Fusions sales, and in response, Fusion Green was created to win back those sales. What is Fusion Green? Fusion Green is a series of new, environmentally conscious cosmetic products. Still clueless? So was the representative from a very important chain of imaginary department stores. How's this: The marketing materials mostly consisted a series of 8½-by-11 prints featuring images of various fruits and vegetables that happen to be green, with the Fusion corporate logo printed in the corner. Brilliant. Doesn't ABC Daytime have a marketing department they could ask to make some mock advertisements? I know ABC Television is only a small division of the cash-strapped Disney Corporation, but someone in-house must have a copy of QuarkXPress.

Anyway, Di Henry, local Dixie Cooney Martin impersonator and now non-descript Fusion employee, proudly presented these marketing materials as Greenlee gave her speech about Fusion Green being "fresh, new, and exciting." Sold!

(Greenlee's oratory reminded me of Henry V's monologue before the Battle of Agincourt. No, not really. Goddamn it Greenlee, buy a frigging thesaurus.)

As usual, the writers of All My Children prove they have no concept of the real world. For example, the Fusion Green video presentation featured the rep himself. Let me explain that again: The new video presentation of Fusion Green's marketing campaign features the rep himself watching the video presentation among scenes of the Fusion woman frolicking in the office, with various shots of trees, bodies of water, and of course, fresh green produce. Apparently, Fusion has a corporate TARDIS, in order to defy the laws of space and time.