Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist…

Or not.

According to legend, Hasselhoff bombed during his first audition for the role of Michael Knight, after which he begged for a second chance. Before returning for his second audition, Hasselhoff yelled repeatedly to himself in the bathroom mirror, "I am the Knight Rider! I am the Knight Rider!"

Figure 1: Hasselhoff acting in outer space.

After reading that little bit of history, I wondered if Hasselhoff did the same thing at the second audition: yelling repeatedly at the producers, "I am the Knight Rider! I am the Knight Rider!" He’s a convincing fellow, for sure.

Figure 2: Hasselhoff: "Ladies, it comes out to here."

For the unacquainted, Knight Rider was a TV show on NBC from 1982 to 1986, starring David Hasselhoff. The show followed the crime-fighting adventures of a man and his talking, homosexual car, KITT (an acronym for "Knight Industries Two Thousand"), played by a 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am and William Daniels.

Figure 3: KITT’s dashboard made the control panel of
a commercial airliner seem idiot-proof.

Recently, I found a website dedicated to the show. One of the website’s features is a list of each episode paired with a brief synopsis. Believe it or not, I read every synopsis, and in doing so, made a discovery that you may find shocking: some of Knight Rider’s plots are implausible, and even more shocking, some plots were recycled, multiple times, with little variation. Provided below, as evidence for my theory, is a list of episode synopses grouped by theme. These are actual plots from the show. The only changes made to the synopses were for grammatical and stylistic purposes, and Hasselhoff’s own name is used in place of the character he portrays, Michael Knight. Why? It just seemed funny. Enjoy.

Theme 1: Sinister Business Deals

(1) Hasselhoff and KITT go undercover at an auto-daredevil show whose owners unwittingly took out a second mortgage from a crooked broker who arranges accidents to force the owners into bankruptcy.

(2) Hasselhoff and KITT go undercover as a daredevil act to investigate a circus whose owners are being forced into bankruptcy by the angry local townsfolk.

(3) Hasselhoff and KITT go undercover at a ranch for troubled teens that’s being forced into bankruptcy by the angry local townsfolk.

Theme 2: Archaeology

Figure 4: Hasselhoff and KITT on their way to another adventure.

Figure 5: Hasselhoff and KITT arrive at another adventure.

(1) Hasselhoff and KITT investigate the mysterious deaths among members of an exclusive club for geniuses involved in an archeological excavation.

(2) Hasselhoff and KITT investigate the mysterious disappearance of an archaeologist excavating an ancient Native American burial ground.

(3) Hasselhoff and KITT investigate a voodoo priestess who is inducing the members of an archaeological expedition to commit crimes and then kill themselves.

Someone on staff had an obsession with archeology. I’ll bet you $100 that it wasn’t Hasselhoff.

Theme 3: Witnesses

(1) Hasselhoff and KITT investigate a businessman exploiting illegal aliens. A blind woman is the only witness.

A blind woman is the only witness? Does she "only see voices?"

For your pleasure, please refer to the 3:51 mark.

(2) Hasselhoff and KITT must prevent the assassination of a Latin American president by a terrorist group, and the only person who knows their plan is a woman who has amnesia.

Amnesia? What is this? All My Children? Is the woman portrayed by Susan Lucci?

(3) Hasselhoff and KITT attend a Christmas banquet when they encounter a gypsy boy who has witnessed a bank robbery and is sought by the robbers from whom he stole a gold watch.

Did I forget to mention that the gypsy boy is also a blind amnesiac?

Figure 6: Hasselhoff: "KITT! I can’t see!"

Personal Favorites

(1) Hasselhoff poses as a "space-weapon scientist" to gain access to a club operated by a women dealing in blackmail and top-secret weapons systems.

The fact that Hasselhoff is pretending to be a “space-weapon scientist” makes this one of the greatest episodes of television ever. I actually saw this episode, and Hasselhoff’s disguise consisted of a pair of fake eyeglasses and a power-blue tuxedo.

(2) Devon [Hasselhoff’s boss] sends Hasselhoff to stop a range war over water rights.

A range war over water rights? Did Devon send Hasselhoff back in time to 1840s Utah? What the fuck?

(3) Hasselhoff and KITT investigate the theft of heavy-duty construction equipment but are pushed into a quarry and buried under tons of gravel.

How come the local police department wasn’t called to investigate the theft of construction equipment? Seems like a situation well within their capabilities...TURBO BOOST!

(4) Hasselhoff and KITT go to Mexico to investigate a talent agent who is using beautiful models to smuggle diamonds in their vaginas into the United States.

OK, I made up the part about going to Mexico.

(5) After an explosion, Hasselhoff and KITT are separated, and KITT’s memory is erased. KITT befriends a boy (played by Jason Bateman) being chased by thieves who think he is a witness to their crime.

Although this plot could have been filed under the "Witnesses" category, the fact that KITT, a 1982 Pontiac Trans-Am, has amnesia is what makes this story SHINE!